Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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