I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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