the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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