then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
