My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
