I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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