Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
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