Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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