I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Pants are for mortals
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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