Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
