My friends, they love my intelligence
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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