Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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