Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
