im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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