I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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