So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
