I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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