happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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