He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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