If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
