My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
