Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I cut my penus on the lid.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
