You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
