im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
