the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
