The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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