put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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