my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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