She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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