you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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