even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
