We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
