There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You are the jesus of drinking
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
