you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
