how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
