the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
