To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
