i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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