i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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