i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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