Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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