I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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