If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
