My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
