I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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