It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize