I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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