i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
