I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
