My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
