the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
