your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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