What did we do last night that was yellow?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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