She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
