I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
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I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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