shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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